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Machete

Revenge, with a side of carnitas!

Released: 2010
Director: Robert Rodriguez
Starring: Danny Trejo, Steven Seagal, Robert DeNiro, Don Johnson, Jeff Fahey, Michelle Rodriguez, Lindsay Lohan, Cheech Marin, and a naked Jessica Alba.
Website: Viva Machete!
Buy this movie at In theatres check local listings (Movie Phone)

Don't doubt it, don't be unsure, just go see it cause it fucking rules. That should really be my entire review of Machete, but I don't think it's enough because this movie deserves more praise than I am capable of.

Machete, played by the hardest actor alive Danny Trejo, is an ex Federale who got set up by his own superiors and the totally retarded but killer Steven Seagal. (Imagine a bad guy version of Seagal's character Det. Gino Felino in Out For Justice saying Mexican slang and rolling around with a samurai sword.) Machete is left for dead but survives, and with the help of an underground network makes his way to southern Texas to work odd day labor jobs.

But when a politician's aid sets him up in a murder job, Machete escapes and starts a reign of vengeance like I haven't seen in a million years. The film has an awesome cast and is full of action from top to bottom.

Director Robert Rodriguez has had an up and down career with me. I loved his film El mariachi and his sort of remake Desperado, but he lost me with Once Upon a Time in Mexico and those Spy Kids films. But then he made a comeback with From Dusk Till Dawn and Sin City. Then Planet Terror, the best out of the two Grindhouse films totally was a hit to me. But his Predators, which was better than both Alien Vs. Predators sequels, didn't exactly live up to my expectations as I hoped.

My point, I am sure I am not the only one who carries these feelings. Rodriguez sometimes really hits his mark with my tastes and then sometimes really disappoints. It happens, you can't please the world. Except when it comes to Machete because after the bit of disappointment I found in Predators a month or so ago, he made up with it tenfold with this film.

Machete was a fun film with some great homage to the killer exploitation films of the seventies. Rodriguez did exactly what the Grindhouse films were really meant to do here, and with a film based off of a fake trailer made a few years ago, this could have been a disaster.

The proof of the pudding alone is the cast: Robert DeNiro, Don Johnson (Amazingly similar to our own Sheriff Joe Arpaio) Jeff Fahey, Michelle Rodriguez, Lindsay Lohan, Cheech Marin, and a naked Jessica Alba.

If you like movies with excessive violence, revenge, shit blowing up, and have any bit of a sense of humor, you will love Machete. Highlights include the showdown Cheech has in church, DeNiro's shootout at the end of the film, Machete making it with every girl he meets, intestines acting as rope, people getting cut with surgical knives, and Steven Seagal in general. I'm serious, he rules in this.

I would like to formally thank Rodriguez for listening to his fans demands and making this movie! He really went above and beyond with everything about this film. Now we can only hope that Eli Roth gets Thanksgiving made!

If you see one film for the rest of the year and you aren't into shit with Julia Roberts, Machete is the film for you. To be honest, I'd be severely bummed if you frequent ICSYB .Com and you don't go see Machete, cause if that's the case your fucking retarded.

Here is the special Arizona Cinco de Mayo trailer!

Here is the original trailer. It's really cool how Rodriguez stuck with so many similarities to the original from locations, scenes, and even script!

You see this guy coming, your run.